Only a few more weeks

Only a few more weeks, a few more heart beats, a few more soft kisses on my cheek. Only a few more flashes of that smile that I know is all mine. After that, it can never be like this again, not until after. After autumn turns to winter, and cold winter nights turn to spring, and soft spring mornings turn to hot summer days once again. Only a few more quiet words shared in the middle of warm heavy silence. Only a little more time to spend memorizing the contours of your face, the hazel of your eyes, the curve of your mouth, the feel of your embrace. Only a little more time to spend together until distance will put a wedge between us. A wedge that I know I can stand, but that I want so desperately to be able to make disappear. I don't want to leave.

I feel like time is collapsing on me, screaming at me to look ahead. It's clawing at my cheeks, turning my head to face a direction I don't want to see, don't want to think about, don't want to speculate. I can feel my heart beat in terror even now as I'm thinking of it. I can't change that this distance is going to appear. I can't make time stop, or keep the inevitable from taking place. God but I wish that I could stay here, stay in your arms every night. Even now the time in between hearing your voice and seeing your face next seems like an eternity. Only two days, only an hour, two hours, five, seem to drag on, to have no meaning, to be filled with void and aimless wanderings between one thought and the next. Then there is you, and coherence returns. I am made whole all over again, until time closes in around me, and pulls us apart once again.

It's not that I fear losing you. It is that I fear how lost I will feel when you're not here, when I can't hear your voice in my ear before I drift to sleep. I fear that time will make it hard to close my eyes and feel your arms around me, see your smile before me, hear your laughter, smell your soft scent. Yet I can't bring myself to speak of it. Not yet. I don't want to shatter the sacred peace that is between us right now. These moments where the rest of the world fades and melts away, and is wonderful to me simply because you are in it.