I can't say i blame her

That could turn out to be the funniest thought i've ever had. I laughed a lot tonight. A whole helluva lot. But, on the way home, I started thinking (and that's rarely a good idea.) it's easy enough, I suppose, to say, "I won't drop you." over a nice pasta-laden table in some warm restaurant corner. I wonder if I could still say it when life starts chucking knuckleballs at us. I sat there while she broke off pieces of herself, showed them to me, and went along and I feel like she's had to do that too many times; just go on like nothing happened. and that makes me hurt. I can't say i blame her for that look she gives me sometimes, when she's waiting for me to check my blind spots and start backing out. Because I know that I've done it before. 

How many times have i thought, "okay, that's close enough," and started looking for a good reason to run? so she knows the goal. There's probably more at stake now that she does. If I'm working towards it for me, I can forgive myself for letting me down (that's a little too "sybil" for comfort, i think), but pride won't let me shrug it off if i fail and let her down. because she deserves better than she's had, that's for sure. i'm not going to be the bad guy. And that's a promise.