I Remember

Yesterday Zura's mom said that if I wanted I could take Arianna to see Zura's room. I know she's too young to understand...but i think i needed to do something like that too. It was so strange when we went in cos nothing has been moved or changed, it still looked and smelled exactly the same and it was like she hadn't gone. I sat down on her bed with Arianna and she seemed to be taking everything in. I suddenly remembered the day we found out she was pregnant. She called me at home to say she needed me to come over right away, and i didn't know what was wrong cos i'd never heard her sound so scared. her parents werent home and she was sitting on the floor in her room crying and i'd never seen her look so pale.

I remember she was hugging me and holding on to this big purple pillow. yesterday, i lifted it and it was like i could still feel her there. every memory and feeling just seemed so vivid and there everything i looked at or touched made me remember something else. Arianna kept trying to grab a bear that was lying on the bed, and wen i gave it to her, she held on to its arm and wouldn't let it go and we took it with us. its so strange that she picked that one, because that's what i gave Zura on our one month anniversary. she has this huge photo album that holds hundreds of pictures and there were so many of us together from wen we first started going out up until rite before Arianna was born. her dad was so mad at her when he found out. i thought he was gonna kill me, i really did. he wouldn't talk to her for weeks and didn't let me come over for as long, but her mom managed to convince him he was being unreasonable. i don't think he can accept what's happened, he's seen Arianna quite a bit but he won't do anything with her. i think its gonna take time.

being there yesterday just really made me remember so many things that i never want to forget. even the harder things like telling her parents and mine too, and how bad we felt when people seemed to think we were doing something wrong by not getting rid of the baby. that was one thing i never wanted her to do. she didnt want to either, but i think her dad thought it was the best idea. she said she couldnt live with herself if she had an abortion. we never considered that having Arianna was going to kill her. i still feel guilty about it, and i know that no matter what happens i'm never going to forgive myself.