Why then did I feel so sad?
She was beautiful. Not the young, prideful, narcissistic, manipulative kind of beauty that is only of the skin, but of something much deeper, soulful. It emanates from the experience of life, of someone who has seen and experienced much, both joy and sorrow.
She walked in the bar and sat down a few stools away, placing herself in my line of vision. It's an upscale restaurant and bar, one that a woman would find easy to enter without any “assumptions” tagged on her. She gazed around the room and when she turned my way again, I thought I saw the faintest hint of a smile cross her lips as she held my eyes a beat too long. I nodded to her.
My friend returned from the rest room and he and I returned to our conversation, our usual “male bonding.”
She ordered from the bartender and soon after, she interjected herself into our conversation. She was small, trim, about 5’ 4,” around 38 to 42, bright, funny, with a powerful laugh for such a small woman. As I spoke with her, I thought I noticed an edge to her. I was picking up signals, a lot of them . . . body movements, vocal intonations, eyes, everything. “Would you like a drink?” I asked. “Yes I would, thank you. A Cognac.” Soon, too soon, she ordered another. Between them, between the laughter, and the banter, she would drift away to live some other experience. When I would call her back, she would change into her public face but I saw it.
"I like you, I want your number,” she said. “Ah, but I don't give my number out to a woman I've just met, unless she gives me hers. You know, a fair trade kind of thing,” I said with a smile on my face, enjoying the role reversal and my wittiness.
“Well, that's not going to happen!”
“Well, that's not going to happen!”
“Ok.” I said, with a shrug of my shoulders, turning back to the conversation with my friend.
Soon, I heard another; “I want your number!”
“I told you the conditions.”
“Ok, ok,” she said as she wrote on the napkin. As she slipped the napkin into my hand with a gentle squeeze, I noticed the wedding ring.
As she caressed my hand, I whispered, “Why would a married woman be giving her phone number to a single man?”
“Oh, I'm getting a divorce.”
“Really! Why are you still wearing your ring then?” My friend answered for her, “That's just a man repellant. She keeps that on so she can point to it when she’s not interested in a man.”
Soon, I heard another; “I want your number!”
“I told you the conditions.”
“Ok, ok,” she said as she wrote on the napkin. As she slipped the napkin into my hand with a gentle squeeze, I noticed the wedding ring.
As she caressed my hand, I whispered, “Why would a married woman be giving her phone number to a single man?”
“Oh, I'm getting a divorce.”
“Really! Why are you still wearing your ring then?” My friend answered for her, “That's just a man repellant. She keeps that on so she can point to it when she’s not interested in a man.”
She nodded in agreement.
She was pulled into another conversation on the other side of her. While she was, my friend leaned over and said, “You're in!”
“In?” I responded.
Let me take a moment to introduce my friend ... I love him, a loyal and true friend with a soft interior. I know he has a soft inside because he frequently has an abrasive exterior. If he perceives a “weakness” in another, he will concentrate on it until he has given himself permission to relax. That only comes when he believes he has established an elevated position in the hierarchical pecking order.
Since I believe that ALL attack comes from fear, I'll say he is very fearful and established this exterior to protect that. However, from the outside I don't think most would observe this of him. He's good looking and funny, an “alpha-male” type. Women love him, and he goes through them rapidly. Which has caused me to observe a curious aspect of the already mysterious, beautiful female gender but I'll save that observation for another day, another story.
While she was engaged in conversation, I slipped away to the pay phone where I dialed the number she gave me. I just had to check my hunch. The answering machine answered with a male voice that said, “(Name) and I aren’t here. One of us will call you back.” I quickly hung up. Obviously, something wasn’t quite right.
She ordered another drink and as she did I said, “You know, you're a small woman, you've had three already. I think it’s cab time. Let me order one for you,” motioning the bartender over.
"No, I only live a couple of miles away, I’m not taking a cab. You'll take me home.” The bartender gave me a knowing look as my friend discreetly nudged me.
Oh, there was no doubt I was attracted to her. Her intellect, wit, and sense of humor, her wonderful clean smell, the way she moved in kind of a silky, seductive way. All were an aphrodisiac to me. Much more than her body, enveloped in the seductive dress she was wearing. I was certainly hooked.
I caressed her long neck with my eyes, tracing the path my lips would take, drifting down through her cleavage. I would run my hands into her beautiful hair, locking them in handfuls of it, using the advantage to turn her head so her neck was open and exposed to my mouth. I would start kissing her behind her ear and slowly, teasingly slide my kisses, my bites, down her neck to where it joins her shoulders, then move back to suck her beautiful, full lower lip into my mouth.
She was pulled into another conversation on the other side of her. While she was, my friend leaned over and said, “You're in!”
“In?” I responded.
Let me take a moment to introduce my friend ... I love him, a loyal and true friend with a soft interior. I know he has a soft inside because he frequently has an abrasive exterior. If he perceives a “weakness” in another, he will concentrate on it until he has given himself permission to relax. That only comes when he believes he has established an elevated position in the hierarchical pecking order.
Since I believe that ALL attack comes from fear, I'll say he is very fearful and established this exterior to protect that. However, from the outside I don't think most would observe this of him. He's good looking and funny, an “alpha-male” type. Women love him, and he goes through them rapidly. Which has caused me to observe a curious aspect of the already mysterious, beautiful female gender but I'll save that observation for another day, another story.
While she was engaged in conversation, I slipped away to the pay phone where I dialed the number she gave me. I just had to check my hunch. The answering machine answered with a male voice that said, “(Name) and I aren’t here. One of us will call you back.” I quickly hung up. Obviously, something wasn’t quite right.
She ordered another drink and as she did I said, “You know, you're a small woman, you've had three already. I think it’s cab time. Let me order one for you,” motioning the bartender over.
"No, I only live a couple of miles away, I’m not taking a cab. You'll take me home.” The bartender gave me a knowing look as my friend discreetly nudged me.
Oh, there was no doubt I was attracted to her. Her intellect, wit, and sense of humor, her wonderful clean smell, the way she moved in kind of a silky, seductive way. All were an aphrodisiac to me. Much more than her body, enveloped in the seductive dress she was wearing. I was certainly hooked.
I caressed her long neck with my eyes, tracing the path my lips would take, drifting down through her cleavage. I would run my hands into her beautiful hair, locking them in handfuls of it, using the advantage to turn her head so her neck was open and exposed to my mouth. I would start kissing her behind her ear and slowly, teasingly slide my kisses, my bites, down her neck to where it joins her shoulders, then move back to suck her beautiful, full lower lip into my mouth.
My house was only a couple of blocks away. I'll take her there, start a fire in the fireplace, place her on a blanket in front of it, and slowly, very slowly, using only my mouth and my caresses, tease her into orgasm after orgasm. I will bathe her in the warmth of the fireplace as well as her own viscous warmth. It would only be after that, that I would allow myself to surrender. I could tell it was going to be fantastic.
I was thinking all this and all the other things I would do to her as I steadied her, paid the bill, returned the look from my friend and the bartender, and walked her out to the curb. I slipped the cabby a $20, gave him her address, and walked home ... alone.
She called the next afternoon ... “Why didn't you take me home, didn't you find me attractive?”
She called the next afternoon ... “Why didn't you take me home, didn't you find me attractive?”
“On the contrary, I found you very attractive,” I said. “It's because you're married.”
“But, I'm getting a divorce.”
“I'm sure that's probably true but you still live with your husband.” (I didn't know for sure if this was true, but I thought I'd throw it out and see what she said.)
“I'm sure that's probably true but you still live with your husband.” (I didn't know for sure if this was true, but I thought I'd throw it out and see what she said.)
“I'm going to move out shortly ... may I see you?” she said, ever so softly, almost a plea ... I've noticed as I age, the behaviors, the thoughts, of the man I am now are very different from the younger me. It wasn't an intentional decision to change; it just seems to have happened, evolved, when I wasn't looking. There was a time, in the not so distant past when I wouldn't have thought twice about yielding to my arousal, and this woman's advance. Now, I think things like - She's hurting, afraid, feeling unloved and is hoping to recapture those feelings or, at least, anesthetize herself against the pain, through alcohol and me.
The present me recognizes my actions with a different view of my responsibility. Every day, in every encounter, I have a choice. I can choose to be part of the problem or part of the answer. EVERY action I take can only come from one of two places – a place of love, or a place of fear. If I choose to see myself as a man of honor, a man of character, then I must recognize ... people are either coming to us with love or, asking for love. There is nothing else.
Only in relationship to another do I discover myself. It is a mirror of what's inside me, my consciousness. It reveals my beliefs, attachments, fears, my joys, as well as my sorrows. The challenge is to observe this reflection of my soul without running from it ...
Only in relationship to another do I discover myself. It is a mirror of what's inside me, my consciousness. It reveals my beliefs, attachments, fears, my joys, as well as my sorrows. The challenge is to observe this reflection of my soul without running from it ...
The answer was clear …
"No, I'm not going to see you.”
Why then, did I feel, so . . . sad?
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