I'm being redundant at this point.

I'm just peeling back layers and pulling it apart. I like ripping into myself and sitting here thinking about the way that bones pop and snap when they break. It's fascinating how our bodies are put together and held together. I'm just raging inside right now. I don't even know where to begin with description. I've been up I've been down, I've been back and forth and all over. The best part of the day was when someone told me that they'd missed seeing me around. It's strange, but being missed, knowing that people care whether you're there or not is a good feeling. I guess I haven't felt very missed lately.

Maybe that's the source of all my anxiety and frustration. Or it could jsut be that I have a huge number of self esteem issues that I never really let come to the surface bcause it's better just to ignore them and pretend taht I'm actually comfortable within my own skin. It's easier to say that I don't care than to get itno the kind of emotional state that I've been in for the last couple of days. I want to fix myself, physically, mentally, emotionally. I want to be more stable, more tangible. I don't know how to explain it. I know that I"m always upfront with the way that I feel about people. If I don't like you, then you'll know it. Generally if I have an issue with you then you'll know it, because I hate sugar coating things, and I don't do well with hiding my feelings. Doing those things only makes me that much more agitated and likely to want to break things. I want to curl up in a sunbeam for a few hours right now and just relax in the solar rays. Unfortunately it's pitch black at the moment so that's not really an option.

Last night, sitting around and listening to music, I felt transcendant. I was actually back to myself for a little while, comfortable within my own skin and loving myself and the world around me for the imperfect and flawed things that they are. Unfortunately, I've come off of that high since then, and am very perplexed by my life at large yet again. I just like the way it feels to hug people. Have you ever noticed how good a hug can feel? Ever realized how nice it is to just bury your face in someone else's shoulder and surrender yourselfto their embrace. It's a strangely intimate gesture, even though we take it for granted. Imiss getting hugs at school. I like being alone at school though. I'll admit that I think part of the reason I'm so confused is thatI'm falling backinto someold habits. I'm not a very stable or settled person by nature, so I have a tendency to be able to just pick up and leave where ever I am at the drop of a hat.

In the last few years though, I have gained a sense of stability, andfound that I feel ties binding me tothis place. Yet at school I'misolated from these things, and the people and attachments are not so great.It allows me to feel at ease with just leaving whatever it is I'm doing at that moment, and going away from the world that is at school. In a little while I'll be leaving this place for months.Both school and home... I'll have to let go of those ties and try to form some kind ofnew bond. I've gotten used to the security of school and home and predictability in life. I think that's the sourceof a lot of my frustration at this point is confusion over how to deal with the fact that I'm different than I thought I was.

I'm struggling with self-concept at the moment and I don't know how to readjust my focus so that everything comes out equal to what it really is. I'm making no sense, and so I'm going to stop at this point, because it's for the best before anyone gets completely lost.

Besides, I'm being redundant at this point.