Good Bye 2

Leaning into the afternoons I cast my sad net
towards your oceanic eyes.

There in the highest blaze my solitude lengthens and flames,
its arms turning like a drowning man's.

I send out red signals across your absent eyes
that smell like the sea or the beach by a lighthouse.

You keep only darkness, my distant female,
from your regard sometimes the coast of dread emerges.

Leaning into the afternoons I fling my sad nets
to that sea that is thrashed by your oceanic eyes.

The birds of night peck at the first stars
that flash like my soul when I love you.

The night gallops on its shadowy mare

shedding blue tassels over the land.

Soon I will be saying the saddest, longest, most horrific goodbyes of my life. Oh Goddess but I hate goodbye.

Maybe I won't say goodbye, but rather say hello, just because I am odd and I can do that if I so choose. I can't explain any of what I'm feeling right now because it's not true fear. It's not even really sorrow, I'm just... apprehensive I guess because there is this unreal quality to all of it. Like, if things don't work out in this endeavor I can always come home. I can always come back to what is normal and easy, if I want to.

At the same time I'm so terrified of doing that that I know I won't. Maybe what I'm most afraid of is the isolation and the fact that I am going to be forced out of my comfort zone and into a world full of people I don't know. I'm going to have to live with people I hardly know other than by their names and the information they choose to give me. For all I know some of them could have former convictions, lives in which they were big party animals, or deeply depressed teens. It's just strange to know that I'm going to be moving into a new paradigm. Everyone is shifting into a new world where none of them truly yet know who and what they are or want to be. They all have the opportunity to shape themselves and the way people view them, into anything that they want. It is a very frightening thought.

Then there is the leaving part. I have to leave behind my love, my friends, my family. I have to leave behind so many things that are so important to me that I think I'm going to feel like I'm ripping out a part of myself when I leave. It's not as if I won't ever see them, or as if I'm moving some huge distance away, but it will still be hard to deal with in so many ways. I can't explain it. I just know that I want to spend as much of these last few days with the people I care about as I can.