I never grew up

A person is defined by their beliefs and what the stand for. Some people believe in business while others strive for love. We each have our tastes but there's nothing wrong with that.

I have always believed that there are certain lines that I will not cross, a certain code of ethics that I abide by. Last night, I crossed that line last night and feel uneasy about it.

I try to lead a very good life, often times I've been driticized for being too good. I decided to let insanity get the better of me by just going wild and doing things I never thought I would do. I once spoke about taking some pot, but that's about it. Last night, I just did something I swore I would never do.

I don't want to be specific, let's just say that my nostrils were exercized, let's just leave it at that. At this point I think that my life has hit rock bottom. People will look at me and think that I'm successul and occassionaly I get people who tell me they are envious of my situation. But I've been fooling myself in thinking that I'm just fine and dandy. I'm totally messed up. I realized all this when I defied my beliefs.

I have to admit that the experience was amazing. The sensations derived were unlike any other. I had no expectation of what was going to happen. Your entire life, you think that there is one feeling that is the greatest then out of nowhere you are hit with something much better.

After everything subsides, I realized that the sensations just aren't worth it. You see friends and know that their company will always be better than anything artificially stimulated. There are too many things in this world that are much more amazing.

But I lost sight of all that. I started hating the world for not providing me with happiness ... cursing it for keeping me alone all this time ... angered because it has deprived me of love. Lacking that sensation, deprived of the feeling, I decided to seek it elsewhere. I resorted to what I explained above.

Then you realize there is no such thing as a substitution. You can see that my entries reveal how my emotions are like a roller coaster, going up and down and doing so in a violent manner. That's the clearest indication of lack of inner peace. All my talk of hope and love and beauty is all for naught when I end up doing things that define everything that I despise. It's like I'm turning into that which I dreaded the most.

It seems like in all my years I never grew up. I feel like I've actually regressed. I don't know anymore. I'm as lost as I've ever been and there's no use pretending that I'm on the right track.