unbearable unbreakable

There are times when I feel that I could just shrivel up and die, and not a soul would notice. Times where everything grows increasingly darker by the second, places where there aren't any lights at the ends of tunnels. To think, just a kind word would break the silence that surrounds me, or a hug.

I'm trying to recall what it felt like to be hugged, really hugged. Curled up in someone's arms, letting all the sorrows of the world drain from your body. The feeling that everything's going to be ok is reason enough to long for an embrace.

I seem to lose track on a daily basis of what I'm longing for, the list feels endless. Trapped in corners of lies, and surrounded by walls of longing, I understand what Frost wished of when he spoke of getting away from Earth awile.

I search for an escape everyday, a doorway to a new horizon, anything to lead me from this life, but everything seems to be locked and barred. Or maybe as everything else, it's all just another illusion.

I don't know why I'm acting this way, I really wish I did, then I could stop. Maybe it's just been too long, maybe too much has happened, and I just can't believe anymore. I feel like there's this wall of glass in front of me. I can see through to the other side, but no matter what I do it blocks my path. Mocking me, showing me what could be, but what won't be.

Maybe it's just depression setting in again, as it always seems to eventually, but I really hope I don't have to repeat that. I was in a corner so dark I thought I would never escape. I'm fooling myself, lying to myself all over again. I keep thinking it's just a rut, just because everything's changing, it'll get better. But it's like this unbearable unbreakable cycle that I can't seem to leave. I feel so alone, so sedated, watching tht rest of the world just pass by. I'd give anything to feel alive again...

So many people have this image of me in their heads. You know that I'm little mr perfect, and I think I'm above everyone, that I'm conceited; you know the true definition of a MAN. I mean, who knows I probably am all that, well except for the perfect and the above everyone thing, I actually don't think very highly of myself at all. I never did, never had reason too. The small talent that I am told I posses, is little comfort to the depression that seems to sink in at night. I was outside a little while ago and I was gazing up at the starry sky, remembering. And at that moment as I stood staring into the heavens, I didn't feel overwhelmed by it's beauty like times before. I just felt so, alone. It felt as if my whole being was aching for something, for someone, for anything. The loneliness sometimes feels as overwhelming as that beauty once was, but it seems that even the simple things have lost their beauty. It's the depression I never quite understood though, it's so faceless.

I've spent days just lying in bed emotionally numb, staring blankly at a wall. And there are times like today where I could be completely pleasant all day, and then at night, I start to sink. It's the same result in the end whether is starts with happiness or tears, so what's the point.

I think I can remember a time where everything held beauty in it's own way, now everything is so blank. I'm becoming emotionally numb again, it took me three months to kick that this year... I mean what happened to adult years being the best year of your life, so far, it sucks. Love and Happiness, every time I make a wish, that's what I wish for, that's what I've always been searching for. I have a feeling that I'm gonna be searching for the rest of my life...