If you fall I will catch you

Wow, this feels so weird. It is as if I am stuck in time. Going nowhere fast. Neither forward nor backward, just stuck, frozen. I see people appear to be "cool" doing things that have gotten me nowhere. It feels as if I can never seem to be the "cool" one. Who is still handling life and not immature or anything. Why is it that I can look at people and think they are so "cool" even though they are truly wasting their life away. Or, what if their not. What if it is just I can never be satisfied doing things like that, never seem cool, always fake, because I have more potential than that. Is it that each person is meant for something totally different? What they have, what they do, does not fit who I am, who I am meant to be. I know people will say, that everybody has the feeling deep down that they are meant for so much more, that they are meant to shine. That they will be somebody. It is just a feeling everybody has, or a "childish dream" but for me, I KNOW it is the truth. I just can't seem to get past this stuck in time thing. I keep making excuses in my head, anything. My head is as clouded and hazy as ever. At times, I feel something is what I should do, but then, at a different time I will think something else, or contradict my original thought/theory. I guess the only answer is to keep trying many things and find what works. Sitting here waiting for more confusion isn't getting me anywhere, so why not try something, anything? It would get me more than what I am getting now.

This clouded mind thing seems to be having an effect on my heart and emotions. But finally, I am trying to sort it all out. I know that I need to make everything new and different. Not do the same old things that simply leave me with the deja vu feeling, for that is exactly what is holding me back. Yes, I had fun doing stupid crap, and still do, but that doesn't change the fact that it is keeping me from my destination in life. And, I can't blame it on her either. It was my own choice for whatever I did, so ending that would be unfair and simply playing the blame game. Who she was in my heart, isn't who she actually is. It is time to be new, be different. See life for what it really is.