This is how I've spent my day

One thing I do not enjoy about anticipating an event is when you don't know when it's going to happen. It's better to know, if something is going to happen, when it is going to happen. Then you can sit around, anticipating that exact moment, knowing and hoping for it, looking forward to when it will arrive. Not knowing when something will happen is difficult because you pace all day, planning ahead for all the "what if," "Maybe this," and "hopefully," situations, watching the clock, wondering, thinking, smiling, and then turning inward and reminding yourself to be patient, because it might not happen within the next few minutes or seconds or hours. You just have to sit, stewing, trying to convince yourself to keep calm, convince your heart to stay steady, to not jump at every hint of,"Yes, maybe it's going to happen, right now. Maybe," because each time you do, it's only a let down when it doesn't.

This is how I've spent my day, full of anticipation, and maybes, and possibly, but trying not to let myself truly hope because i's more likely that it won't happen than that it will. I can't help but hope though. It just kind of happens. My heart is beating with excitement, waiting, I've been on edge all day, full of desire for the possibility, fear of the what ifs, the maybes, the hopefully nots. So many things that could go right, so many things that could go wrong. Yet I still feel excited to the core of my bones, I'm still waiting, heart pounding inside my chest, even though I know it is still hours before I can expect anything. Sigh... I hate waiting.