Across The Floor

Across the floor my heart skidded. Ripped and torn it left a red streak, a stain of utter pain and desolation on the linoleum. I could feel the emptiness seeping into my bones, in every niche I felt the greasy black residue of rejection, of pain, of desperation. The past three years of my life-a fucking waste. Ha ha, maybe not only the past three years, maybe my whole life was a waste, a waste of time and effort on the part of God. I knew it was true. All those lies, how could I have been so stupid? To believe those sugar coated nothings? I must have been out of my mind to listen to her proclamations of undying love.

I slumped onto the floor, lowering my head onto my knees. The hot, stinging sensation didn't register in my brain at first. Then I realized it was tears. My tears. Wet and salty, sliding down my cheeks, neck, burning hot, they seemed to embody my pain, if only they were as black as my heart. I had never felt so crippled, so broken. She was her crutch, the glue holding the pieces together, and now she had been wretched away, torn from my weak grasp. 

It felt as if part of my soul had died. As if a brand had been plunged into me, burning away all the loving and tenderness, I was now as hard and cold as stone. My life, whirling disarray of emotional turmoil seemed to be crumbling before my very eyes. 

The lacy curtains billowed in the slight spring breeze, while golden sunlight streamed through the open windows. The bright, freshness of the room, so full of life, was pure irony compared to the bleakness I had been submerged in. It was hard to believe that one could get so attached to another, but here I was, contemplating death, all because I had lost the woman I loved, my soul mate. 

Love? What the hell was love anyhow? An over publicized instrument of the media? Was there even such a thing as love? How, if you were in love, could you feel this way? In my opinion it definitely got the big green Mr. Yuck sticker. The pain that I was feeling, how could you associate it with something that was said to be as pure and beautiful as love? What the hell was wrong with me? How could she have told me how she loved me so much and how great I was and how utterly incredible I was and not meant a single word of it? Yeah, well supposedly she really meant and wasn't just spitting out cheap cornball lines. Yeah, sure I believed her, how incredibly sweet she was. God, I could never find another woman as wonderful and hot and sweet and caring she was. God dammit, my life was goin' to hell in a handbasket. And I had one fuckin' killer headache from all the crying I had been doin'. I was so damn stupid-to believe that shit, of course you hadda be outta your mind! 

I let out a shuddering breath trying to compose the jumbled mess of feelings inside of my soul. I was all cried out, at least for now. But the fact that she was gone was still so incomprehensible. Pushing my palm to the linoleum and heaving my weary body upwards, I breathed in the fresh air, which seemed to have a cleansing effect on me, easing away some of the pain. Well, tomorrow was another day, another way to fuck up my life. I couldn't wait.

I am of puny thoughts
And a wicked heart.
How could you have spread your pollen of love
On my dying lawn?
Your golden spirit purified my soul.
Like a season you came and went
But the love is ever present.
"We" live only in my mind.
You I may never find.
I try to survive, but I know
I will slowly die.
Goodbye goodbye goodbye.