Beautiful Agony

We stood out under the stars, and the air was so cold, but crisp and clear and beautiful in a way I will never be able to capture with words. The starlight was exquisite, and seemed to be brighter and sharper for having you there. I was lost in both our silence and our words. I was enraptured of the melody in my head, that always seems to play in the background, each time you kiss me.

God, I didn't want to go. I wanted to tell the whole world to go to hell, and just stay there with you. I wanted to forget life, forget responsibility. I desperately longed to just fly as far away with you as I could, and never look back. I wanted to stay in your arms, just as I was then, and feel as warm, as loved, and as cherished as I did right then. Every time I have to say goodbye I feel like a part of me is drowning. I feel like a part of me is being pulled out and left behind, and I don't know how to keep it, how to take it with me when I go. It hurts so much, and yet I revel in it because it is you, because it is part of us and part of how we are. The pain is not what holds me, but it reminds me in its own bittersweet manner, of how much you mean. It brings a realization of how foolish I would be to ever run away, from you or the world. It creates an understanding of exactly where I stand in all of this, and how abruptly I have come crashing into what seems a lifetime's worth of beautiful nights, and wonderful days.

Then the moment was gone. I made the trip alone, watching the sky as I drove away from you, and wondering if the stars could sing. I wondered that maybe if I sang to them, they might answer back, or carry that song to you. So I sang while I drove, and I cried, and I laughed, and was full of this dreadful pain, and exquisite love.