Inane Dreams
Didn't she realize? Didn't she know? Couldn't she tell that I would have died for her?
I would have died for her if it would have been what she wanted. I would have tried so hard for her to be everything that she wanted, to be what she needed. Is love just not enough for this? I would have done anything for her if she'd asked, but how could I know she'd want me to make a hollow shell of myself? How could I know she'd want me to empty myself of everything I know to be true, to cast it aside and then return to her with a smile pasted to my features? How could I know that all she could love was the husk that was the outside of who I am?
I didn't know, but still I loved her. I still love her. I can't get her out of my system. I'm like the addict who knows the drug is killing them slowly, but just can't give it up. I can't let go of these inane dreams, the former hopes that once fed my heart, gave me a vision of what I wanted from life. Now I'm only stuck here again, wondering what went wrong, how things turned from being lovely to being twisted and ugly. How can you stop loving a person? How can you just push that person away from you so that you don't have to share the hidden paths to your heart any more? How do you drive a person away once they've been inside your head, if only just a little bit?
Why did she have to get to me? Why did I let her inside me, to explore the creations of my mind, the fanciful beliefs and longings of my heart. I let her closer than most anyone has ever gotten, but still she turns away. How can she not have known that promises mean so much to heart that wants nothing more than to believe?
So now I'm shattered. A broken toy, lying on the ground, waiting to be fixed. It is going to take an awful long time for it to happen, but I'm hoping not too long. I don't know that I can wait.
I would have died for her if it would have been what she wanted. I would have tried so hard for her to be everything that she wanted, to be what she needed. Is love just not enough for this? I would have done anything for her if she'd asked, but how could I know she'd want me to make a hollow shell of myself? How could I know she'd want me to empty myself of everything I know to be true, to cast it aside and then return to her with a smile pasted to my features? How could I know that all she could love was the husk that was the outside of who I am?
I didn't know, but still I loved her. I still love her. I can't get her out of my system. I'm like the addict who knows the drug is killing them slowly, but just can't give it up. I can't let go of these inane dreams, the former hopes that once fed my heart, gave me a vision of what I wanted from life. Now I'm only stuck here again, wondering what went wrong, how things turned from being lovely to being twisted and ugly. How can you stop loving a person? How can you just push that person away from you so that you don't have to share the hidden paths to your heart any more? How do you drive a person away once they've been inside your head, if only just a little bit?
Why did she have to get to me? Why did I let her inside me, to explore the creations of my mind, the fanciful beliefs and longings of my heart. I let her closer than most anyone has ever gotten, but still she turns away. How can she not have known that promises mean so much to heart that wants nothing more than to believe?
So now I'm shattered. A broken toy, lying on the ground, waiting to be fixed. It is going to take an awful long time for it to happen, but I'm hoping not too long. I don't know that I can wait.
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