I've never been good at accepting it
I feel like I'm reaching my personal breaking point. I as if I'm standing on this precipice, and if I jump, I'm either going fall and shatter, or manage to fly. I don't know which it is going to be yet. I'm afraid of what it's going to be. I have to either take the steps to break free of the things that have been keeping me back for so long, or simply allow myself to be crushed under the weight of the things in life. I know which one I should do. The problem is achieving that end.
I don't know how to cope with love. I never have. I've never been good at accepting it. I can give and give and give until I have nothing left, but taking always seems to be too hard for me. I love my friends, I love G, I love my family, but... I've had it in my mind that I was going to be alone for so long, that it is hard. It is hard to accept and sometimes it frightens me to the point that I just want to run. I don't know how to handle it. I worry that I'll just f*ck up once again, do something stupid, say something wrong, and screw everything up. I tend to do that to myself I self-destruct all the time, and I feel like I'm on the verge of doing that right now.
I don't know how to cope with stress or with life in general. My way of dealing has always been to just brush it off, saying I'm not like other people. I have a different way of looking at things that they just don't understand. Which is true in some ways, but not in all ways. I am still human, and flawed, just as anyone else is. I don't know how to explain it. I am unique and conformed all at once. It's confusing. I feel so hollowed out right now, just by everything. I don't know what direction to go in, and it's putting me through all this mental and emotional strain, that I just can't find a way to wrap my mind around it.
Then I come home. I come home and I find everything just as I left it. The same people still there, the same people who love me, want me to know that I'm loved. The thing is that sometimes, I just want to run away from it. I love their attention, I enjoy their affections, but some days I just want to be alone. I want to be the recluse that I had always known myself to be. I want to go find some secluded cave and hide there in contemplation for a few weeks, until I feel refreshed enough to come out and face humanity again. I want to go down to a waterfall at midnight, and watch for moonbows again. I want to listen to music with my best friend, driving all through the night, lost in thought, and only having to speak when we want to, not out of societal obligation. I want to watch the dawn break over the horizon, while the mist lies thick and heavy over the fields. I want to be me. I want to just get away from everything for a little while, just to say that I can, just to prove to myself that it's okay. I don't want to be tied down, or to feel like I can't just pick up everything an leave if I want to. I need that reassurance. I need to know that I am where I am because I want to be there, not because I have to be. Otherwise, what does it all mean? If I have to be in some little niche, then what is the point? If it's not my choice, then why do I continue to pursue those goals, or those ideals?
The panic is setting in once again. I know it's there and I don't want it. I had thought it wasn't going to happen again, that I would be okay, but the more I think about it, the less okay I am. The more I want to just be able to get away from everything, to just run away for a few days and not look back. I don't want to think about it any more. I just want to be.
I don't know. I just do not know.
I don't know how to cope with love. I never have. I've never been good at accepting it. I can give and give and give until I have nothing left, but taking always seems to be too hard for me. I love my friends, I love G, I love my family, but... I've had it in my mind that I was going to be alone for so long, that it is hard. It is hard to accept and sometimes it frightens me to the point that I just want to run. I don't know how to handle it. I worry that I'll just f*ck up once again, do something stupid, say something wrong, and screw everything up. I tend to do that to myself I self-destruct all the time, and I feel like I'm on the verge of doing that right now.
I don't know how to cope with stress or with life in general. My way of dealing has always been to just brush it off, saying I'm not like other people. I have a different way of looking at things that they just don't understand. Which is true in some ways, but not in all ways. I am still human, and flawed, just as anyone else is. I don't know how to explain it. I am unique and conformed all at once. It's confusing. I feel so hollowed out right now, just by everything. I don't know what direction to go in, and it's putting me through all this mental and emotional strain, that I just can't find a way to wrap my mind around it.
Then I come home. I come home and I find everything just as I left it. The same people still there, the same people who love me, want me to know that I'm loved. The thing is that sometimes, I just want to run away from it. I love their attention, I enjoy their affections, but some days I just want to be alone. I want to be the recluse that I had always known myself to be. I want to go find some secluded cave and hide there in contemplation for a few weeks, until I feel refreshed enough to come out and face humanity again. I want to go down to a waterfall at midnight, and watch for moonbows again. I want to listen to music with my best friend, driving all through the night, lost in thought, and only having to speak when we want to, not out of societal obligation. I want to watch the dawn break over the horizon, while the mist lies thick and heavy over the fields. I want to be me. I want to just get away from everything for a little while, just to say that I can, just to prove to myself that it's okay. I don't want to be tied down, or to feel like I can't just pick up everything an leave if I want to. I need that reassurance. I need to know that I am where I am because I want to be there, not because I have to be. Otherwise, what does it all mean? If I have to be in some little niche, then what is the point? If it's not my choice, then why do I continue to pursue those goals, or those ideals?
The panic is setting in once again. I know it's there and I don't want it. I had thought it wasn't going to happen again, that I would be okay, but the more I think about it, the less okay I am. The more I want to just be able to get away from everything, to just run away for a few days and not look back. I don't want to think about it any more. I just want to be.
I don't know. I just do not know.
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