They make her more human and tangible
I wish that I didn't feel so miserable. I really shouldn't. This shouldn't bother me, I don't know why it does, but it just does. The thing is that all I want is to be able to crawl into her arms right now, curl up there, and hold on tight. Even though she put this here, put all this self doubt and all this questioning and fear back into my head, all I want is to be with her. I still just want to bask in her presence until the day I die, because maybe that will somehow make it better. Maybe that will somehow bring me back to normal and just take away these moments where I feel inadequate, where I feel like I haven't said enough, or been open enough.
The thing is, do I want to make that jump? Can I make that jump where I say, yes, this is what I want, and I want it forever. I don't know, I don't know because I just am terrified of it. I'm terrified of that bonding and fully committed relationship, even thinking of it now makes me queasy. Yet, at the same time, if I'm so afraid of it, can I even really be sure of myself? Thinking about it, looking into the future, and trying to picture myself ten years from now, twenty, forty, seems so impossible. I fear letting myself get caught up in that idea, because I know that I'm always changing, and I don't know what I want out of life yet.
I do want to be with her though. God, I want to be with her so much it hurts, hurts to be around her, hurts to look at her, but all in a good way. It's not the kind of pain that I'm feeling right now, it's the kind of hurt that is like a deep longing. It hurts in this beautiful and exquisite way that I'll never be able to explain, because it dazzles me. The thing is that I don't know if I can make that final commitment, I'm just so unsure of myself.
All I want right now is to be in her arms, bury my face against her, and just be held. I want to be reassured of it all, reassured that I can at least believe she feels the same way as I do.
I have to say that all of this has been one of the most wonderful and terrifying experiences of my life. It is all just so incredibly amazing to me, that I don't know what to do, or how to handle it, or how to react and say the right things. I always feel so ineloquent, even though I know that I could say it all, it just kind of fumbles around on my tongue, and never makes its way out like I hoped it would.
I do know though, that what I feel for her is love. It is the kind of love that I have never felt before, because its both intense and comfortable. She is everything that I could ask for in so many ways, and yet I still see the flaws there, but they make me love her more. They make her more human and tangible. So that's all I can think of right now. I have rambled on a tangent and, likely, make no sense at all, but none of this makes any sense. Except being with her. That makes sense, and if I could, I would be with her right now.
The thing is, do I want to make that jump? Can I make that jump where I say, yes, this is what I want, and I want it forever. I don't know, I don't know because I just am terrified of it. I'm terrified of that bonding and fully committed relationship, even thinking of it now makes me queasy. Yet, at the same time, if I'm so afraid of it, can I even really be sure of myself? Thinking about it, looking into the future, and trying to picture myself ten years from now, twenty, forty, seems so impossible. I fear letting myself get caught up in that idea, because I know that I'm always changing, and I don't know what I want out of life yet.
I do want to be with her though. God, I want to be with her so much it hurts, hurts to be around her, hurts to look at her, but all in a good way. It's not the kind of pain that I'm feeling right now, it's the kind of hurt that is like a deep longing. It hurts in this beautiful and exquisite way that I'll never be able to explain, because it dazzles me. The thing is that I don't know if I can make that final commitment, I'm just so unsure of myself.
All I want right now is to be in her arms, bury my face against her, and just be held. I want to be reassured of it all, reassured that I can at least believe she feels the same way as I do.
I have to say that all of this has been one of the most wonderful and terrifying experiences of my life. It is all just so incredibly amazing to me, that I don't know what to do, or how to handle it, or how to react and say the right things. I always feel so ineloquent, even though I know that I could say it all, it just kind of fumbles around on my tongue, and never makes its way out like I hoped it would.
I do know though, that what I feel for her is love. It is the kind of love that I have never felt before, because its both intense and comfortable. She is everything that I could ask for in so many ways, and yet I still see the flaws there, but they make me love her more. They make her more human and tangible. So that's all I can think of right now. I have rambled on a tangent and, likely, make no sense at all, but none of this makes any sense. Except being with her. That makes sense, and if I could, I would be with her right now.
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