I Am Thankful

I expected to spend tomorrow morning taking an inventory of my life and seeing all that I am happy that I have, trying to keep it from degenerating into a mess of self-pitying navel gazing and failing miserably, eliciting a stream of groans from friends and random note leavers alike. I certainly did not expect to arrive here and be thankful for still alived.

I am thankful for the Brothers Crisp: my Jeff, my Glenn, and my JayJoeP, he who is fun.

I am thankful for my hobbies, that I can't ever seem to give up and which comfort me more than they should, perhaps.

I am thankful for Abel, who brings so much to my life, not the least of which is a sweet yet irreverant sense of humour.

I am thankful for my cousins, who continue to support me, even if they don't know what the **** I'm doing with myself.

I am thankful the people I meet with every Wednesday at 7:30, and moreso for the people I meet every Wednesday at 7:00.

I am thankful for Marsha, and the relationship we have maintained. Even if she never comes around anymore. As in years past,

I am thankful for Angelina Jolie. And so are you, don't deny it.

I am thankful for Miss Vickie's potato chips. I am thankful for Liz Copeland's overnight show on 101.9 WDET out of Cornell.

I am thankful for the sunrise and cigarettes at 8:23 in the morning on autumn days.

I am thankful for my dreams.

I am thankful for hope.

I am thankful for music.

I am thankful for Adam and August.

I am thankful for minna-san.

I am thankful Nylaqistina and VirginHoney.

I am thankful for the days I have ahead to be thankful for many things.

The skies are dark, rain is falling, and there is a brief hint of thunder that can be heard through the windows sitting here at work. Darkness and storms will always give way to the light, eventually. I guess it is much the same way as the dark and stormy times that we weather in our personal lives. You know I do understand that without darkness there cannot be light, but how do you help someone see that to stay in the darkness, turning your back on the light ahead, causes such pain.

My late parents are so different. My father, though sick and often fragile, can usually find a smile or a quick joke to pass along. He is a joy to be around. I know that when he passes, I will be missing a part of my life that can never be replaced. I then see my mother, so very opposite of what my father is. My mother, she is so lost in the tide of total negative emotions, thoughts, and ideas. Just being around her, you sense all of the negative energy that she flourishes on. I remember growing up, how my grandmother was much the same way, and how my mother swore that she would never be like this. It is so strange that she cannot see that she has become the thing that she dreaded most. Her negative energy is something that I just cannot tolerate any longer. The darkness will always be there, I just hope that one day, before too long, she will step into the light.

Sometimes I let my mind drift back, back to my life in Ithaca. I miss living there so very much. The thing that I miss most about my life back there, is my friends. In the five years that I lived there, I was so lucky to have a group of friends that a person rarely has the opportunity to meet. True friendship is really a rare thing. The word friend, like so many other words, often becomes a term that we throw around pretty casually. All I know is that when I think of true friendship I think of my friends and coworkers at The Getty in Ithaca.

I have a card tacked on the side of my cubicle. This card was given to me at my going away party back in 1998. When I look at the words, thoughts, and comments that people wrote I consider myself so fortunate. I know that they wrote how they felt inside, and that was a gift beyond comparison. I cherish that card more than most things that I have.

The day that I left Ithaca, I was more than a little sad. But within that sadness I also found some comfort. We always talk about success, what it is, what it means. To me, no matter how far I go in this life, I know that I achieved a very wonderful and unique moment of success. When I look back I know that I left Ithaca a better person then when I arrived. I am a better person for all of those relationships that I was privileged to be a part of. I am a success because I experienced what true friendship can do for a person. I hope that you all can look back and see such a success in your life.

If you think about it, words are really the foundation of what civilization is all about. Regardless of what language you may speak, the meaning of words cannot be overstated. I am sure that all of you have seen those boxes of magnetic words that you can use to create poetry, and whatever else you can think of. You find them in places like Border's bookstores etc. As part of our school awards program we have a set of those magnetic words, as they relate to our school and such. I have them on my fridge, and occasionally rearrange them in some sort of creative fashion. I was sitting here in the kitchen this morning, doing some work, and I looked at one word in particular "appreciate".

I wonder how many times that I really appreciate things, instead of taking them for granted. I always strive to understand my environment, to take those things I see and really understand them, by putting them into their proper perspective. But in that search for understanding I wonder if I have taken the time to appreciate the things that I see and experience on a daily basis.

My past and present, without those experiences good or bad, I would not be where I am today and not be able to look to the future. A smile. Each new day, because I have a chance for something special, called life.

My cousins. We may have had our differences throughout the years, but as each day passes I know that there are fewer days ahead to be spent with them.

A conversation with someone I just met.

Each new gray hair, because it means that I still have hair.

My friends, those I know, and those that I am sure to meet in the future.

My family. In them I see things that I could have been.

Books. Imagine a world without books.

The chance to actually write my thoughts in a forum such as this.

The drive to madness was all consuming. Sun, moon, rain, or shine, all was the same he thought. This madness that overwhelms me can only mean one thing - I must be on my way to attending some kind of friends reunion.

That was like very deep, wouldn't you say? Anyway I really could not think of a better way to describe the feelings that are associated with ones high school reunion. It's funny how one relates to such a pivotal time in your life after so many years passing by. The groups of friends that you hung with, the way you related to those who may have not been in the "in" crowd, and how you relate to those groups in the present. The lines between the two groups seem less defined with the passing years. And this is as it should be if you think about it. You should grow in both wisdom and tolerance as you move through life. If not what is the purpose of all the experiences that you have throughout this incredible journey.

In talking with everyone Saturday night I gained a new appreciation for my past, but was also a little sad. Why did I have to wait so very long to discover others that were right there so many years ago. Sometimes we fail to see what our preconceived values don't allow. I wish I knew then, what I know now.

Open your eyes! I have heard that more times than I care to remember. You know, when someone says that, It's usually associated with something negative. More often than not it usually means that you were not paying attention to what they deemed highly important. There were days when I was young, with the sunlight drifting through the window at school, causing that terminal case of daydreaming in me. Even though I have gotten older, I am still prone to hearing that "open your eyes" in my mind as I wander off, into places that often seem more clearly defined than what my eyes are seeing.

Don't get me wrong, focus and attention to detail are things that we need in our daily lives. But we also need a balance, which is often lost in this push for success. I really don't remember the pressure that seems to plague all of us, when I was younger. I know life was simpler and all of that, which actually scares me because I am sounding like my parents, but you understand. Sometimes the negative is used to try and reinforce the positive, or what others consider positive, behavior in people. Open your eyes Bit!!!! I swear that usually caused me more angst than anything.