Intensity

Tonight I was pretty slumped in a lonely mood. Stuck in the trenches of melanocholy when all I really wanted and needed was someone to talk to. No one was available, although there really isnt too many to call. My friends out of state werent there to capture the phone as it rang. My friends here in alaska, so few to number.

I had a girlfriend for a couple months a bit back, we got along pretty good I thought at least. I couldnt see her as much as I wanted because I was always working. Our relationship itself was on the rocks so many times. Sometimes she would just not want to deal with me, others she wanted to see me. I was so lost to her desires.

Eventually she wouldnt take my phone calls and late one night online she told me she didnt want to see me anymore. I was too....emotionally transfixed in my depression. She didnt seem to want to understand the reason, just the consequence. I brought her down she would say. The problem is you grow attached at the possibility of love that when it doesnt happen, it hurts you inside. Turns your soul inside out like a knife wound to the fabric of your being.

In my life all I've ever wanted from another person in a relationship is acceptance. I am a roller coaster of emotion. I have my good, along with my bad day's. It seems rejection is just a second skin to me. I love deeply, and passionatly. "Let me be the wine in which you drink, the air in which you breathe".

No one wants people that are emotionally capable of actually loving and caring. Someone to shed their blood for them. Willing to risk death just to see them smile. All that we are left with are those that have been with someone and gets bored; lusting for difference.

I've been told a couple time's that im the last of a dying breed. I'll deny it, to the point to saying there's really nothing special about me. I just have different belief's and ideal's than most people. Maybe it's more so that the world just isnt ready for us, or that our time has passed and the world has evolved towards something else.

I always laugh and wink saying that Im old school. The whole chocolate affair and rose boquet romantic. I never actually learned about the whole dating scene. Is there such a book that can describe exactly what im sposed to do? Or shall I walk on eggshells my entire life?

I dont want to scare people with my compassion. I want them to know the desire within me to "Know them" to show them that maybe just maybe I could be a great friend and an even greater boyfriend. Though, my intensity get's in the way, shoving people back from fear of hurting me.

Where in one's life the grand moment of perfection is just staring at someone who draws you breathlessly away into their eyes, caressing their cheek, and kissing their lips gently. A romantic's dream, one that I long to fulfill, but who knows. Perhaps im just rambling. It is a bit late, and after working on my car for the past two days in negative 10-20 weather, perhaps my mind has strained itself too far.

All I know, is that this feeling of being so alone is a devastation to my soul, and it hurts so bitterly.