When I was growing up ...
When I was growing up, it was considered "feminine" to feel any type of emotion. I was taught men must be strong, mentally as well as physically. To feel was to be weak, and all the other kids mocked and and beat the weaker ones. Little did I know it requires more strength to face your pain or happiness than to ignore it.
I learned well how to suppress my emotions, but I could only hide for so long. I first began to confront them when I broke up with my last girlfriend (she knows who she is). To me, when you're emotionally stuck on a person, you're as attached to her as your finger is to your hand. I thought it was the end of the world when we separated.
Just like the doctor prescribes medication for the ill, I took drugs for my pain, creating an artificial happiness. But it was only when I started writing about the agony (for a descriptive essay in class) that it truly began to ease. After the semester ended I wanted to keep writing on my own, but it conflicted with my childhood image of a man.
Finally, about six months later, I began to write down some passing thoughts, like: "Was I put on earth to love you but never have you?" or "I feel like I've ceased my physical existence and am doomed to live in the out-of-body world with a broken heart." Thoughts like this soon led to writing poetry.
Even though I'm writing this now, I'm still embarrassed to admit to the people I know that I'm capable of such thoughts. But I have grown up enough to realize that it's human to feel all these different emotions. What bothers me most is that I believe I'm being ridiculous. Usually, for me, feelings are a matter of mutual agreement: I like her if she likes me. Now, most people, including myself, tell me I'm stupid: "If she doesn't appreciate the way you feel, who needs her?" I wish it were that easy. My heart disagrees with my brain.
My mind tells me everything I feel for this girl is absolutely stupid; unfortunately I'm not in control of how I feel for her. Your heart is something that at times you are unable to understand. That is why, for now, I choose to remain anonymous.
And this is me writing ...
I learned well how to suppress my emotions, but I could only hide for so long. I first began to confront them when I broke up with my last girlfriend (she knows who she is). To me, when you're emotionally stuck on a person, you're as attached to her as your finger is to your hand. I thought it was the end of the world when we separated.
Just like the doctor prescribes medication for the ill, I took drugs for my pain, creating an artificial happiness. But it was only when I started writing about the agony (for a descriptive essay in class) that it truly began to ease. After the semester ended I wanted to keep writing on my own, but it conflicted with my childhood image of a man.
Finally, about six months later, I began to write down some passing thoughts, like: "Was I put on earth to love you but never have you?" or "I feel like I've ceased my physical existence and am doomed to live in the out-of-body world with a broken heart." Thoughts like this soon led to writing poetry.
Even though I'm writing this now, I'm still embarrassed to admit to the people I know that I'm capable of such thoughts. But I have grown up enough to realize that it's human to feel all these different emotions. What bothers me most is that I believe I'm being ridiculous. Usually, for me, feelings are a matter of mutual agreement: I like her if she likes me. Now, most people, including myself, tell me I'm stupid: "If she doesn't appreciate the way you feel, who needs her?" I wish it were that easy. My heart disagrees with my brain.
My mind tells me everything I feel for this girl is absolutely stupid; unfortunately I'm not in control of how I feel for her. Your heart is something that at times you are unable to understand. That is why, for now, I choose to remain anonymous.
And this is me writing ...
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