I will always love you

I once lived in a box, built by walls of oppression and false security. There were no mirrors in my box, thus I saw not my own reflection. I knew not who I was, in the outside world or even within myself.

Little by little, I grew increasingly constricted by the confines of such, and I began to stretch. And a little more, and a little more. Before I knew it, this illusionary box was bursting at its seams and tiny rays of light filtered through. With every push, the resistance increased, but with the light came warmth and it became a necessity to my being.

I knew not who I was, but I realized who I had become. So I bent the rules which confined me. And the further they bent, the more room I had to stretch.

Springtime. How appropriate. A time when things are springing to new life, just as you caused me to do. Just a few simple words, merely one thing in common. But it was an unspoken bond immediately, which quickly grew into an undeniable energy, relentless with its grasp.

You woke something within me that night. For the first time in years I felt worth. I felt appreciated, enjoyed. And I enjoyed you, more than I let on for years even.

You were so completely captivating. I was absolutely taken in by your mystery and charm. As I told you then, you were strangely comforting. No one else knew how to make me smile and laugh just as you did, and you did so with such ease. No one else had just the right words when my world was falling apart. No one else was such a total enigma, such a puzzle waiting to be solved.

The days dragged on too long, and the nights with you went far too quickly. But I took comfort in knowing that each night would surely arrive. You had become an addiction to me within the very first night, and later, a complete necessity.

But you introduced other characters into your story, and I noticed that they didn't quite fit. I pieced them together only to find they weren't even from the same puzzle. I finally faced my naivete and surrendered to the harsh realization that you were not who you seemed.

That realization shattered me, and for several reasons. You were the first person I had given so much of myself to, whether you knew it or not, here... My first lesson in trusting strangers, and learning why that isn't always wise. Suddenly, you weren't the same person to me you had been. Therefore, suddenly, you were a stranger, all over again, only this time one to be wary of. Further, that realization forced another... the one in which I could no longer deny to myself the feelings I held for you. They were wrong, and I knew they were, and I pushed them aside as long as I could. But I could deny it no longer once I felt the depth of how you had hurt me in your first few lies.

It shouldn't have mattered, but it did. It did, because I was already falling in love with you, even though I didn't know at the time who 'you' were. Who you are.

When everything struck me, I decided it would be best to cut my losses and get on with life. Get over you. But I never could do it. No matter the hurt you ever inflicted on me, trying to live without you was always much more painful. And so I always came back, but each time I promised myself I wouldn't allow you to hurt me again. I knew, somewhere inside, that you could only hurt me if I let you. I remember when you tried to leave me, and I convinced you of this very same logic.

And so, with the first blow in the past, this necessary strained friendship continued out of pure addiction. But I kept a distance. I kept a distance from my own feelings, and tried to be careful not to allow them to be too obvious to you. I needed you in my life, and the only way that could work was to keep my feelings at bay. And so I closed off my heart to you, and opened it elsewhere.

I never meant to hurt you when I met her... I didn't even know then that I did. I'm sorry.

Shee fulfilled every emotional need my marriage was lacking, just as you did, only she was safe for my heart because she was genuine and almost tangible.

Did you read the back of the book you sent me?

"The discovery of the seeds
invited a means to change
myself. I've become a person
capable of loving wholly but
never forgetting completely.
The change was welcomed, and
armed with the knowledge that
growth doesn't happen
immediately, I began."

And I did love her, truly and wholly. But I never forgot you throughout that love. And even though your whole being was inconsistency, you were my only constant, and I loved you for that. You were the one, the only one, I could count on when everything fell apart. When my whole life came tumbling down around me and I was feeling more scared and alone that I thought possible, during the most difficult time of my entire life, you were the one who was always there for me. Always. You were the one who always had exactly the words I needed, and because those words came from your heart, they were so much more than mere words, just as you are so much more.

Slowly, you drew me out of myself. You helped shape me, you defined me, and in the most beautiful way. You allowed me to be me, and loved me for it anyway.

Love was genuine, but romance proved fleeting in a world of reality. It was then that I was forced to turn off emotion, and I succeeded. Very suddenly, unexpectedly... gone. And I guess I expected to somehow be able to do that with you as well. I should have known better, because when I left you the first time, three weeks damn near killed me by ripping my heart apart. But you see, I didn't really leave you. I watched your words on someone else's screen. The words I'd wished could have been mine, yet at the same time I was relieved they weren't because I saw the flaws then too, and I remembered how much they hurt me. But I kept watch over you, I made sure you were always alright, and I missed you terribly. I longed with every ounce of my soul to just say anything to you again. Anything. Eventually I surrendered, and convinced you of my own logic. The pain of living without you was not worth an obliging promise I'd made to a drunken women who probably didn't remember beseeching it of me anyhow.

But I never could turn off my emotions with you. I was an emotional masochist at times, knowing you'd only hurt me again, but I needed even that pain, if it was all I had of you.

I met someone who filled the void where any emotions used to be. To this day, I don't know how I shut them off as I did. It just... happened. But this was so superficial, and I almost... forced myself to believe I was feeling things I was not.

And it always came back to you.

...and the pendulum swings...


As swiftly as my emotions seemed to shut themselves off last spring, they erupted in full force last fall. What I had been suppressing for a year and a half finally came undeniably to surface. And I surrendered. Sometimes I gave you the benefit of the doubt, sometimes I didn't let it matter, and other times I just didn't care. I loved you. Completely, wholly, sincerely. I never knew you'd reciprocate such feelings, until I shared mine, and you did. I was so completely sold out to you. You held evey last bit of my heart and soul in your hands, and I trusted you with them.

To my dismay, you shattered them into innumerable pieces. You hurt me more deeply than anyone ever has. It seemed evident then that I was nothing more than part of a sick game. You dashed every ounce of credibility with me that you had ever built. I made a solid decision to remove myself from the game.

But as time went by, month after month, it didn't get easier as I expected. Just the opposite, and I found myself slipping deeper and deeper into depression. Poring over your words, our words, my words. Sobbing uncontrollably. Every bit of worth and value you had given me, made me feel, you ripped right out of me.

I was your victim. Just another victim. And the more time that passed, the more I believed I would always feel like nothing more than just that- a victim.

After the emotional abuse of my marriage, which I could not end even by divorce, I was not about to let you leave me victimized for the rest of my life, always wondering who had done this to me.

I decided to play again. Not your game this time, but mine. And I was determined to come out the victor, no matter how long it took. You know I never could stand to let a mystery go unsolved, and you were the ultimate. Some clues you fed me, others I sought myself. I never was able to turn off my emotions, but a great determination kept me driven.

I was so close, too. So close. I knew it would all end soon, and I was afraid of the loss that would come with the knowledge, but it was necessary. Determination.

He and I scheduled our vacations together. We changed our minds numerous times as to whether we would fly or take a road trip. One way or another, I was going to be there on your birthday. One way or another, I was going to find out, with certainty, who you really were. The plans had all been laid. You never knew that, did you? That pie should have been delivered by me, and you're lucky, because if it had, it would have surely ended up in your face.

Suddenly, everything started moving so quickly. There was never need to see you face to face to confirm anything. You gave yourself away, and so easily toward the end. I'm thankful for that. Two years is a long time to love a stranger.

But even then you weren't who I thought you were. I had only ever half entertained the notion, and jokingly at that. The truth hit me hard. I know I always promised that the truth would never change things, and I've held to the parts of that which are in my control. Finally, finally, I understood why you could never tell me. Finally, I had victory and closure. Finally, I could walk away from it all a grown person from the experience. But I couldn't walk away, because I realized it wasn't him that I loved. It was you. All the qualities I loved about him were genuinely yours. The way you always made me laugh, or picked me up when I fell, or held me together when I was falling apart... It was all you.

I'll admit, it was a difficult decision... weighing the truth against the lies and hurt. Was it worth it to maintain a friendship with you? And though I was hurt, I was unable to be angry.

The truth changed my love for you, in obvious ways and for obvious reasons, but it did not change its existence. Despite the lies, you have proven yourself a true friend to me through the years. Moreso than any betrayal, you display loyalty. More than all the pain, you have given me joy. You have taught me so much, so very much, about life, love, people, beauty and especially about myself. I thank you for that. Just one more case in which words will never suffice.

"I've become a person
capable of loving wholly but
never forgetting completely."

Truth ushers reality, and life must go on. I have moved on, but please know... that does not mean I will ever leave you behind. I cannot, for you are too great a part of me, and shall be always.

And as your life moves on, as I have asked of you, I pray that neither will you leave me behind. I will miss you beyond words while you're gone, but I have implored of you to live life, and for your sake I'm grateful to see you fulfill my request, be it my request or of your own volition.

You have impacted my life in ways you will never even know. No matter where life may take you, no matter how long it may keep you from me, you are always with me in my heart, and I with you in spirit.

You are a very dear, very precious friend to me, and I will always love you.