Aforementioned things

Sometimes I just get stuck in this dark mental place, where all of my more disturbing feelings lie. I've felt like beating the living shit out of myself recently, which is something that I used to do. Some people cut, others do drugs, I just knock myself around cuz I don't have the balls to do either of the aforementioned things.

You'd think I'd want God in my life or something along those lines at times like these, but the things is that this is the point where I want to be the most isolated. I don't want to talk to other people, I don't want sympathy, I don't want anything. I just want to be locked in a room with myself for a few hours.

I'm ugly you know. On the inside... where it really counts. Most people don't see it because I suppress it, because I try so hard to be good, to do the right thing, but the fact is that I really don't care. Even if I do like doing what I know is right, it's a self-serving kind of thing because I usually get a good feeling out of it. Even if I'm sacrificing myself, at least I get to be a martyr and watch someone else be happy while I'm miserable. Fuck it. I don't even care any more.

I'm so tired of caring, so tired of trying, so tired of every goddamn time I think I'm getting somewhere finding myself set back ten paces from where I started. I'm not handsome, not friendly, not intelligent, not anything. There are always going to be people who are just a little bit better than me at whatever it is I love to do, so why do I even bother trying? The only thing I seem to really excel at is sitting around naked and standing still for a few hours. Go me. Bah. It's ridiculous how hard I try sometimes, and yet see none of it. Then again, sometimes I do nothing and I come out ahead. How does that work out? Fuck me if I know.

Then there's Marsha. I can't even explain how much I love her, and yet right now, right now I don't even know if I want to see her. I'm so confused about it all that I just want to be left utterly alone, and yet all I want to do is curl up inside her arms and cry for a few hours until it feels better again. I'm such a selfish idiot sometimes that I can't stand it. She has so much strength in her and takes care of herself all the time, but the second things get a little bit rough for me, I end up running to her and dumping all my problems on her head. Even if they're just tiny stupid little things. Because I suck. That's about it. And here I am again, being all angsty and angry for no goddamn reason, because life really isn't that bad for me. I've not done anything or had anything done to me that merits all my anger and bitterness and yet here I am bitching once again. So that makes me feel even worse about myself. Yeah. Woo. Screw it.