Downward spiral

~How quick the sun can, drop away...And now my bitter hands Cradle broken glass Of what was everything All the pictures had. All been washed in black~

The headache's have come back, my coughing turns up blood again. I knew it would happen again at one point, I suppose it was the realization that perhaps maybe I could be free that I continued to smoke. Looking for an escape to somehow cope with everything that had continually disrupted the balance of my life. *Laughs* Balance, I dont think I've ever really truly could apply that term to my life.

Anyhow, I feel the sands slipping by. Time isnt anything but a nuisance to the living. Everything I see is viewed in muted gray. I've reached into myself to try to pull all the light out, but got burned in the process. Now Im back in the place I know too well.

Damnit. *As I light up another cigerette* I suppose if you look at it, we all owe allegience to something. Sure, I've heard everyone complain. Lauren herself seems to take it upon her duty to throw in my face the fact that I look so attractive with one in my mouth. Said in jest im sure, but everyone has an addiction they cant seem to break.

They come in many forms and guises, yet we all at one point have done something stupid, or wished we hadnt of started. So, why am I any different?

I guess you could point out the pure oxy moronism of it. I have asthma, and like so many with asthma, smoke upsets my breathing. Who cares though, I mean truly does it matter?

I spose Im getting off track, my head is all jumbled. As if the clockwork of my mind suddenly lost a spring, and stopped. I hate this, I truly do. Sure I get responses from people saying I like being depressed. Do you know how badly it sucks to always be enveloped by darkness and depression, ever stop to think that maybe the people this happens to do not want it? Or maybe your just blind to the simple truth...

A lot of people in my life seem to be blind. Or just chose to ignore what I wanted to show them. Im sure you can tie it in with my posting yesterday. Feelings....the numbness drowns me. Welcome to my downward spiral, a one way express elevator to my own personal hell.