My Sacrifice

I have a difficult year this year, I hardly succeeded in my life, there were moments in which I came close; perhaps it was the realization that I could prove myself, that would cause me to stumble. Looking back into my journal, most entries filled with such darkness and sorrow, it’s easy to understand why I was given such a nickname. I tried once to create a journal based on moments of joy, but they were shortly lived, inappropriately expressed by meager words, and emotions. I gave every inch of my heart in those times of bliss, every particle of my soul. So what happens when you grow tired of waking up in pain? Every minute that dwindles by in constant memory of great things you were a part of. Regardless of the loss you feel when you think back fondly upon it, you stab yourself with that memory; embracing that flame to keep your heart warm. I know that many times I’ve expressed such loss. I believe it’s a part of my life more so than any others. Trusting too easily, should not have I learned the lessons taught so bitterly, but yet yearn to have faith in difference. How many more times must I crawl upon the ground, forcing myself to stand to take a stab at life one last time, to give hope the precious faith that I have so little of.

While I may live under a perpetual cloud of gray mist, I believe this too is something that has become more of a personal aspect of my life, and the time’s within it. I can only cut myself so deeply before the pain and realization of what I am contributing to, became appalling clear. I once believed I was different. Once upon a long weary road, I thought compassion, honesty, integrity, valor, virtue, and all things that humanity has long forgotten to understand; was what it meant to live.

How far have I come from that man I was. I no longer believe these virtues; life and people have changed my personal aspect on things. I gave too much of myself in the process of loving and living, these past few years; that it’s toll is far more than I am capable of carrying. The pains that have contributed to the heavy burden I carry; begin to cause me to waver. It’s slow motion this change; like an action movie when the hero dodges the bullets, I slowly begin to fall. Each day as I wake up, slowly dragging myself out of bed I look in the mirror, and find something in which cant be described.

There is no escape from this inevitability, this path in which I have chosen for myself. I HAVE chosen this destination. I am here, only due to actions that I have taken in the course of my life. While I may fret about regret, there is no respite from one’s past. There is only the future. Only today, and whatever you decide to live this moment for.

So without meaning; no definition in which to attribute towards myself; without preamble, and remorse I silently and delicately plan the steps for the path I choose next. There is no turning back, once you begin, it’s a road one must follow vigilantly towards its end. A sacrifice that at this point, I’m willing to embrace.