Ashes of a bitter past
~I think im ripping apart at the seams, and Im finding it hard; hard to believe, and I feel like im living inside a dream, and no one believes, and no one see's~
There's a lot in my past that hides in places better left untouched. I never let my demons come to the surface and for reasons very human. You see, I have done a lot in my past that im not proud of, and I have had things done to me, that I try to forget. I scratched the surface with the diary entry "Ashes of a bitter past". That's one instant that weighs heavily upon my heart. Threatens my soul with grief and guilt that I never seem to forgive myself for.
There are so many more, the list perpetually growing. I dont share very much of who I am, in the regards of the events that have helped shape who I am today, wether I am for good or ill. I've always been afraid to share these things to my friends in life, because I fear rejection. I believe strongly that I have to keep it all inside, because they will turn away in shock, or dismay.
I suppose that's another reason why I search so strongly for someone special in my life, even if it were to be a friendship. There arent very many people in my life currently who make me feel incredibly...alive. No one who really touches my heart in such a way...well, there is, or should I say; was.
That's not the reason for this entry however, and that pain is not for sharing.
Can someone accept me for everything. Im not quite sure that person exists. I've grown quite accustomed to sucking everything inside and not breaking. I guess you could say I have pride in the aspect that although I get hurt a lot, I dont end it, I absorb it, and walk away.
I feel I may only be traumatizing myself more though, without someone to talk to. Without sharing my inner demons, I slowly die inside each day. Lose a peice of myself, and grow cold. Up until a point maybe I'll be safe, but eventually in the end I may shatter and hurt myself or someone else. I suppose it's a plausiable outcome, I dont much believe it though.
I will end my own life, before I allow another to come to harm by my hand.
I suppose we all have our own inner demons, our own pain we've been through. Yet, my closet is full of dark things, that I cant seem to think many people have been through.
There are so many more, the list perpetually growing. I dont share very much of who I am, in the regards of the events that have helped shape who I am today, wether I am for good or ill. I've always been afraid to share these things to my friends in life, because I fear rejection. I believe strongly that I have to keep it all inside, because they will turn away in shock, or dismay.
I suppose that's another reason why I search so strongly for someone special in my life, even if it were to be a friendship. There arent very many people in my life currently who make me feel incredibly...alive. No one who really touches my heart in such a way...well, there is, or should I say; was.
That's not the reason for this entry however, and that pain is not for sharing.
Can someone accept me for everything. Im not quite sure that person exists. I've grown quite accustomed to sucking everything inside and not breaking. I guess you could say I have pride in the aspect that although I get hurt a lot, I dont end it, I absorb it, and walk away.
I feel I may only be traumatizing myself more though, without someone to talk to. Without sharing my inner demons, I slowly die inside each day. Lose a peice of myself, and grow cold. Up until a point maybe I'll be safe, but eventually in the end I may shatter and hurt myself or someone else. I suppose it's a plausiable outcome, I dont much believe it though.
I will end my own life, before I allow another to come to harm by my hand.
I suppose we all have our own inner demons, our own pain we've been through. Yet, my closet is full of dark things, that I cant seem to think many people have been through.
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