Another nail in the coffin

I remember the doctor visit I had 4 months ago, when I was complaining to my work, about the pain in my throat. It felt like I had swallowed a knife, doused in flame. At first I attributed it to my acid reflux disease, and put off going for a while, eventually even the pain couldn’t be looked past. 

Turned out I couldn’t be more off, as the doctor told me about the little tumors I had in the back of my throat, the sudden vexation at thinking I was indestructible. After the appointment I went outside and lit up a smoke. Funny how dedicated I am to doing something I had started as a means of disobeying my father. 

I almost considered the thought that maybe I hated him. The truth of it is, for longer than I can remember I've always had a desire to fade away from the world. Not care what happened, because I never realized just how important it is to be someone and something to you. 

Maybe that's why I can’t quit smoking. Not so much a lame excuse that I’m not a quitter, but more so the fact that the reason I can’t stop is because I still haven’t found a reason to want to stop. I succeeded in not smoking for 3 months once; last week I stopped for 5 days that was until I got so damned frustrated and stressed dealing with people. 

The point is, here I am having another doctor's visit in the attempt to figure out exactly what I need to do, and the more I think about it, the more I think. 

It is hard to hold on when there's no one to lean on..... 

I really don’t give a fuck anymore.