I left it somewhere inside the box you gave me.

I wonder if it's possible to just wake up one day and be enlightened. I wonder if you can just roll over in the morning one day and say,"You know what? I am different. I am forever changed."

I don't know that its possible to wake up a different person. I think I'd like to try it though. I think I'd like one day to just stand up and decide that I'm going to change and just do it. Maybe that's my problem.

Maybe I'm never really willing to change even though I pretend that I am.

We can sit and talk for eternity. We can share our deepest thoughts, our inner workings, we can place our lives in another's hands. At the end of this time, we still never knew each other.

So what's the use of trying to change if I'm only fooling myself? What is the point of remorse if the person I know to be myself is always going to be me? Does that mean this life is worthless? I'll never grow or change unless I want to, but being the same is so comfortable.

I like the easy roads. I like to think that I'm strong, but I'm as weak as anyone. I'm vulnerable despite my best efforts, and often find myself baring my throat to another wolf. I am a lamb for the slaughter and I enjoy it, because then I can be a martyr. No one hates a martyr, who can blame some one who seems persecuted?

Then there are times that I am the wolf. There are times that I am the hunter, that I seek out prey and kill them with words.

I play the strings of emotions like an expert in the craft and make a soul sing to the pitch that I enjoy most, until boredom leads me to break a string. The chord is broken, the melodies that once flowed now seem emptied of purpose, and the instrument is broken.