...whether you grab hold of it or not.
Sometimes it's not appropriate to do so. Sometimes life is too big to grab all at once - much like trying to eat a Big Mac in one bite. You can try it, just to prove that you can, but sometimes you end up choking on what you've taken into your life.
On mornings like this, with the rain coming down outside, and the house silent since I'm alone at the moment, I have time to contemplate the things I want to do versus the things I need to do -- and notice how many of the things I want to do get left by the wayside as a consequence of the latter. I ask myself: How did get myself into this situation? How did I create all these needs? Perhaps more importantly, whose needs are they? Mine? Or ones someone forced on me to make them mine? Are all my 'needs' really needs? Or should some of these Are all my 'wants' truly wants? Or should some of them, these secret (and not so secret sometimes) desires be converted to needs because the doing of them brings me joy?
But life does indeed go on. Most of my wants remain undone. Some of my most critical needs remain unmet. And still I slog through my days and nights - remembering to laugh. This is what separates me as a coyote from the rest of the pack of the world. I do not fear death. While I worry about failure, I do not let the threat of its existence stop me. I know that while I draw breath, life goes on - and I can find something to laugh at pain with -- even if it's triumphing over another trying day. Or the great comfort that comes from finally finding my bed at night - empty or not. "Others needs are greater." I've been told in my time, the words not meant for me but for someone else, who is very self-sacrificing and noble.
I don't have aspirations for being noble, and I do look out for myself at times. Just enough to remember that I do need nice things sometimes, and I should enjoy some of the moments in my life selfishly. I cannot fix all problems; I cannot even fix my own problems. But the things I see that are broken, I feel compelled to fix, even if I'm a thing of Chaos - I'm also a thing of Balance and Order, because the one would not exist without the others.
But life goes on. Without me, if I'm not too careful about it. It's not just about scheduling every second of every day, either - it's about taking time out to do Nothing - because Nothing is still Something - it's time to decompress, relax, and reflect. I am a servant in my own household. I want to get away from that. I am a prisoner in a cage with doors. I should get away from that. I have love, I can give love, but it is rarely returned in the form I want - and sometimes need, the most. I need to fix that. But I don't know how. I cannot make other people love me. I can only be me, and hope it's enough.
A lot of people in this world never learn that lesson - that you cannot force someone else to love you the way you want them to. You just have to hope they learn it on their own. I have designs on my own future, but my present responsibilities prevent those from happening. I realize that I have not spent my life wisely - but I've not been unwell, at least. I am not a thing to be caged. Where I stay, I want to stay willingly.
I know what I am, and I know who I am - even if who and what that is changes tomorrow. Today, you cannot take that away from me. Do you know who you are? Life will go on, whether you know it or not. But once you know who you are, you know how to get to where you need to go to collect the things that you are requires to be happy. Just some thoughts for a lazy Sunday.
On mornings like this, with the rain coming down outside, and the house silent since I'm alone at the moment, I have time to contemplate the things I want to do versus the things I need to do -- and notice how many of the things I want to do get left by the wayside as a consequence of the latter. I ask myself: How did get myself into this situation? How did I create all these needs? Perhaps more importantly, whose needs are they? Mine? Or ones someone forced on me to make them mine? Are all my 'needs' really needs? Or should some of these Are all my 'wants' truly wants? Or should some of them, these secret (and not so secret sometimes) desires be converted to needs because the doing of them brings me joy?
But life does indeed go on. Most of my wants remain undone. Some of my most critical needs remain unmet. And still I slog through my days and nights - remembering to laugh. This is what separates me as a coyote from the rest of the pack of the world. I do not fear death. While I worry about failure, I do not let the threat of its existence stop me. I know that while I draw breath, life goes on - and I can find something to laugh at pain with -- even if it's triumphing over another trying day. Or the great comfort that comes from finally finding my bed at night - empty or not. "Others needs are greater." I've been told in my time, the words not meant for me but for someone else, who is very self-sacrificing and noble.
I don't have aspirations for being noble, and I do look out for myself at times. Just enough to remember that I do need nice things sometimes, and I should enjoy some of the moments in my life selfishly. I cannot fix all problems; I cannot even fix my own problems. But the things I see that are broken, I feel compelled to fix, even if I'm a thing of Chaos - I'm also a thing of Balance and Order, because the one would not exist without the others.
But life goes on. Without me, if I'm not too careful about it. It's not just about scheduling every second of every day, either - it's about taking time out to do Nothing - because Nothing is still Something - it's time to decompress, relax, and reflect. I am a servant in my own household. I want to get away from that. I am a prisoner in a cage with doors. I should get away from that. I have love, I can give love, but it is rarely returned in the form I want - and sometimes need, the most. I need to fix that. But I don't know how. I cannot make other people love me. I can only be me, and hope it's enough.
A lot of people in this world never learn that lesson - that you cannot force someone else to love you the way you want them to. You just have to hope they learn it on their own. I have designs on my own future, but my present responsibilities prevent those from happening. I realize that I have not spent my life wisely - but I've not been unwell, at least. I am not a thing to be caged. Where I stay, I want to stay willingly.
I know what I am, and I know who I am - even if who and what that is changes tomorrow. Today, you cannot take that away from me. Do you know who you are? Life will go on, whether you know it or not. But once you know who you are, you know how to get to where you need to go to collect the things that you are requires to be happy. Just some thoughts for a lazy Sunday.
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